Operation John Wayne
by Scrunchy
Summary: Soldier gets ahold of Sniper's hat after watching quite a bit of John Wayne. Done for Stereo in tf2chan's Secret Santa for 2009.


This is a fic I wrote for Stereo in tf2chan's Annual Secret Santa trade off.

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"Solly... gimme my hat." Sniper warned, reaching for the object and receiving a slap on his hand that made him sigh. "You beat up Scout for calling you crazy, tried to use Heavy as a horse, stole Engineer's sixie and tried to force Pyro to take off his mask..."

"There's only one way to settle this like gentlemen..." the man replied, undeterred by the list of transgressions that the hat had caused him to perform.

"Oi, I been forced t'watch them movies with you, I'm not going to fight ya for _my_ hat, Solly!" The Aussie protested, drolly watching the man get in a boxing stance before making another swipe at his hat. Soldier bobbed back and lightly batted Sniper's hand away with his fist. A playful smirk was spread across his face, though his eyes were shadowed by the brim.

"If you're not goin' to fight like a man..." Soldier drawled in an imitation of the distinct drawl of John Wayne, "... then you're a woman!"

"... Solly, I swear, if you even try to treat me like Mary Kate..." Sniper's amused tone was fading as he took a step away from the obsessed man. They had only watched _The Quiet Man _ten times since Engineer got those split-reels of John Wayne movies sent in from Austin.

"Get out of my mind, magg-" Soldier caught himself and pushed back into character, "I mean... don't read my mind, ya convict wuss." He growled, leaning close as if to intimidate the taller man.

"Just give me the damned hat!" Sniper reached once again for the hat, but ended up with a fist in his stomach and Soldier backing away and starting to circle him with a come-and-get-it grin.

"Not a chance, son..." he drawled, "you've gotta _work_ for what you want."

Sniper raised a brow and wondered what he was supposed to do for it before realizing that he should probably just beat the man over the head and take his hat back before he over thought anything.

"One last chance, Solly." Sniper warned, slowly relaxing into a fighting stance.

"Come. And. Get it."

So that's just what Sniper did. He and Soldier tussled across the floor, Sniper reaching for that hat and Soldier keeping the other man at bay while keeping it on his own head. Their blows were light- if they could be considered that (in any case, they at least weren't _neatly _at full force)- and clearly not meant to hurt the other. It was more of a fight to see who could get and keep the hat or pin the other. Preferably both.

Sniper finally got Soldier on his stomach with his face in the carpet. The hat was plucked from his head and made to settle back on its proper owner's.

"Aw... y'made it all bent out o' shape, Sol..." Sniper grumbled, trying to affix it to where it was comfortable since their heads were considerably different shapes.

"My power..." Soldier growled, the urge to be John Wayne-like fading just like the drawling accent that he had put on.

"Shaddup, y'bloody moron." Sniper rolled his eyes before smiling as he found the right spot where the hat felt comfortable.

"You _would_... stripping a man of his strength when he's down and then insulting his ancestry and intelligence!"

"I never sai-"

"DON'T EVEN TRY TO APOLOGIZE. I'LL NEVER FORGI-" the feeling of smiling lips on the back of his neck made Soldier choke off his tirade. "... maybe this once... if I can wear the hat again." The man grumbled grudgingly.

"Mate... you're never touching my hat again with that attitude." Sniper stated, pulling back with a frown and standing from his position on the other man's back. Soldier's hand whipped out and tripped him as he was getting his balance. The Aussie bowled over backwards, soon finding the buzz-cutted American over him and reaching for the hat again. "Ah, now don't go startin' this again..." He grumbled before the tussle was renewed with Sniper on the defensive this time.

The two men rolled a few times, each trying to gain the upper hand while the other squirmed to keep them from it. Sniper finally pinned Solly on his back again and the irate American glared up at him before his face softened into a pleading face that, when executed, was as effective as a five-year-old's.

"Just one more time..." he refrained from calling Sniper a maggot, but just _barely_.

"... maybe one more time... that is not now." Sniper added as an afterthought when Soldier tried to pull his hands from Sniper's grip. The man huffed with the face of one who knew he was being lied to all along and is merely put out because he didn't know that it would come out so soon. "I said-... aw, forget it... but only _one more time_..." he warned, allowing Soldier's hands up to remove the hat gently and pull it back on his head before wriggling out from under the Aussie and bolting off to reap more havoc.

Sniper sighed and ran a hand through his hair before standing and straightening his clothes. Who did Soldier have left to torture? Medic and Spy... what could he- then Sniper remembered _The Horse Soldiers _and what degrading things Wayne had said to and about the surgeon riding with his troupe... and then just being French condemned Spy to all kinds of things... Sniper sighed yet again before quickly following the man. He didn't want his hat to get hurt, dammit.


End file.
